By Bob Condor

And now for something completely different.

No kidding.

It might not exactly be health research, but your quality of life is at stake.

No joke.

New research suggests men hear the most intimate things you say to them best when told through the left ear. It might be romantic words, angry outbursts, even insides jokes. All best heard through the left ear.

But if you are giving directions or reminding a guy of what he needs to pick up at the store, opt for the right ear.

It all comes down to the left brain, right brain reports we have all heard in years past. Strange as it might sound, the right ear is the “entry point” for the left side of the brain, which is more logical and less emotional—in other words, talk into the right to deliver no-nonense messages. Of course, the left ear controls the more creative right side of the brain, so sweet nothings and your anger need to funnel left.

Get this: A study by researchers at Sam Houston University in Texas shows that whispering lovey-dovey words in the left ear bears 69 percent accuracy in recall, compared to 56 percent if the same words are purred in the right ear.

This research is coming from both the U.S. and Europe. For example, University of California scientists are conducting an ongoing study about whether men laugh more at jokes coming through the left or right ears. Better to come through the left ear because the researchers have determined the right hemisphere of the brain seems to be more involved in deciding if the punch line of a joke is funny.

Where to do they come up with this stuff? And, oh, by way, would you mind if I stood on your left side?

There’s more to this left-right report. It appears that not just ears are affected. The right eye is best at processing colors, The right foot is the most vulnerable to tickling, the left cheek more sensitive to kissing and most of us naturally and emotionally hold babies on the left side. Or at least that is what Sussex University researchers in England discovered about how women hold babies.

Not to get too practical, but psychologists at University Collefe London in England found that sales pitches are most successful when delivered by salesmen wearing telephone headsets with the ear piece in the left ear. The “left ear” salesmen outsold other volunteers in the study who used right-ear dominant headsets or stereo headset with equal hearing in both ear.

Now that’s research news we can use, especially which cheek is more kissable.